Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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