last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Four minutes until I can fart!
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
