there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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