Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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