Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
