I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
