I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
