i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
