i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
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she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
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Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.