New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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