I'm going to rape someone's good day.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
