THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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