I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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