The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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