It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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