I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
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ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
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The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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