my vag is so smooth its legendary
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
