i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
