Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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