yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
