Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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