you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
