Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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