I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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