he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
