I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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