grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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