I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
