You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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