you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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