just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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