Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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