Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.