6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...