We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Plural? Please tell.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
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Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
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My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.