I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
