I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
