I should be sponsored by Trojan
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
