The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
