Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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