Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
