i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
