He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
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Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
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I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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