Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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