i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
