i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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