is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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