I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
