My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
