oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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