I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
