Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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