you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
