I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
