i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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