neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
