you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
