I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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